Anais and Dom Sacco, a young newly-engaged couple, moved in together in June 2020 after graduating from college. After a few months, they started arguing. Anais wanted the house clean, but Dom didn't really care. To Anais, a clean house helps her feel less anxious.
"Always cleaning up after myself helps me to focus on other things instead of being stressed over having to clean everything later," she explained. "Dom usually doesn't pick up after himself so I have to pick up twice as much. If I don't do it right away, then it becomes a war zone and it makes me anxious."
There may be a lot at stake in these disagreements. According to a study conducted by Harvard Business School, 25% of married couples end their relationship over chores.
"Given that time is a precious commodity for everyone, there is a great benefit to living in a shared space that is organized and efficient so that individuals can find and have what they need when they need it,"says Stana Gnatovich, a licensed marriage and family therapist explains. Order is more conductive to well-being than chaos.
Having a clean environment is not just about who does what. It is deeper than that. Gnatovich says that negotiating chores can create a lot of doubt in someone's mind about their partner. It is not about what one person wants but about what they each mean to each other and the values they share together. "Most of the time, the couples who are arguing over whose job it is to take out the trash are really more concerned about something deeper and more meaningful," Gnatovich explains. "That is, does my partner respect and care about me? Can I count on him/her? Does he/she love me?"
Those questions have the power to destroy marriages. In relationships, Gnatovich believes it is important to be honest about expectations and each other's role. Finding a common ground where both partners are happy with their chores without having to be a burden can lead to healthier relationships.
According to Gnatovich, these disagreements don't have to end a relationship. "I encourage couples to articulate what is most important to them and create a new approach that aligns with those values," Gnatovich says. "Compromising can lead to resentment, which I call the great destroyer of love,", writes Tina B. Tessina, (aka "Dr. Romance") a psychotherapist and author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "Cooperation, on the other hand, is based on mutual respect and mutual caring, and deepens your sense of partnership and having each others' backs."
Anais and Dom were able to work things out. "I realized that helping Anais with a few chores didn't take much of my time", said Dom with a guilty smile on his face. "We became more efficient together and Anais didn't look as stressed. But most importantly I realized that it meant a lot to her that I help clean, so it is a good way for me to show her how much I care about her."
"I realized that helping Anais with a few chores didn't take much of my time", said Dom with a guilty smile on his face. "We became more efficient together and Anais didn't look as stressed. But most importantly I realized that it meant a lot to her that I help clean, so it is a good way for me to show her how much I care about her." -Dom Sacco
Produced by students at the Northeastern University School of Journalism. © 2023
