"I was lying on the bed, drowning in tears," Emily Jing. "I was overwhelmed by depression... My boyfriend seemed numb to my breakdowns by now. 'Are you okay?'" he asked with an empty voice and continued scrolling silently. And for the first time, I admitted to myself that I was unhappy." "I was not alone, but I tasted unprecedented loneliness at that moment."
People tend to define toxic relationships as involving overt abuse or a narcissistic partner. What gets overlooked are the subtler forms of toxicity: feeling unsupported or disrespected. According to Microsociologist Alice M. Walker, an associate professor at Missouri State University whose work focuses on sexual relationships and behavior, sexual identity, and gender, what Jing experienced is very common and can be emotionally devastating.
"We don't talk about toxic relationships that are not abusive, but probably a lot of people are sitting even in long-term marriages, where there's at least a level of toxicity," said Walker. People think, "'That's just the way that it is.' And until something intolerable happens, they'll probably just continue on."
The Sweet
Every love story comes with a romantic beginning, and it did for Jing and her boyfriend, Feng. They met at a social event and though each had a crush on the other, neither showed a sign. A month later, when Jing had almost forgotten Feng, she received a message from him on New Year's Eve. The message turned into the first chat, and chats became multiple dates and deep conversations. That's where the strong emotional bond spurred from letting them step into a relationship.
The Sour
The first year was incredible, with Feng enveloping Jing in a safety net, a feeling long missing in her own family. He was kind, reliable, understanding, and loved to listen to her without a single complaint. The illusion, however, ruptured when she found Feng was constantly chatting with another girl who he had told that he was single.
Jing couldn't tolerate his infidelity and told him she wanted to break up. She realized she barely knew this man. For three days, she lived in torture and was unable to eat anything. All that time, Feng was trying hard to get her back. She finally surrendered and forgave him. She was lured back by the familiar comfort Feng gave to her though she now realized it was an illusion. Jing recalls. "I would panic when thinking of a life without him."
Silent Aftershock
The couple stayed together, but the crisis left an indelible scar. "I cannot fully trust him anymore," Jing says. "We no longer mention [what happened] after getting back together, but something changed forever." The growing distance and accumulated resentments shadowed their shared lives.
"I was diagnosed with depression while I was preparing for my GRE," Jing says. "My mood swings all the time. I was vulnerable and eager for help but I realized I had no friends except him and he showed impatience while I was desperate as I'm a burden to him."Even though this relationship was decaying and negatively affected her, Jing was reluctant to leave. "I clung to him because I was afraid of being alone," Jing says.
"We can love someone, and separate from how they treat us," says Walker. "We get comfortable [in a relationship]. We're scared of change. The unfamiliar is scary and it's uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable for people to seek out this comfort that they really need from a new person," she explains. "People worry about 'what if I can't find a new person? Or if I can't find a new relationship to replace this one?' And then that makes us feel really anxious and panicky."
The Awakening
When studying abroad forced them to be apart. Feng's infrequent messages allowed Jing to explore life beyond her cocoon.
"I used to spend all of my time with him, and could not find another person to talk to except him. After moving to Boston, friendship with my new classmates revived me," Jing says. "Their kindness and sincerity enlightened me. I suddenly realized leaving my boyfriend won't be the end of the world." This gave Jing the courage to end her toxic relationship.
Now, it's Jing's second year in Boston. She is surrounded by a group of friends and actively planning for her future as a journalist. "Staying single is great! I never thought I would be happier without him, but I really am." Jing says.
Respect and Communication
Walker believed respect and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. It shows how your partner treats you, how they talk about you to their friends, and how they deal with the clashes and conflicts between you guys.
She also points out: "What was presented in the media about healthy relationships is just so absent. That makes it challenging to really know what a good relationship looks like, so folks turn to self-rationalization rather than ask themselves seriously "Am I truly happy in this relationship."
